A million [bleep]ing diamonds! But anyhoo, can you believe that the only reason the club is going under is because it's in a terrifying neighborhood?

This is not me encouraging you to go here and write a review. No. Why are you squeezing me with your body? It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you. The only person that gets Lucille this excited is Gene. Well excuse me, Judge Reinhold. I am having a love affair with this ice cream sandwich. Mom… after all these years, God's not going to take a call from you.

Oh, COME ON! Yeah, that's a cultural problem is what it is. You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development. (Hey. That's the name of the show!) Even it means me taking a chubby… I will suck it up. I will be a bigger and hairier mole than the one on your inner left thigh!

You don't want a hungry dove down your pants. A trick is something a whore does for money…or candy. … or cocaine. This show was cancelled. I mean, COME ON. I deceived you, mom. Tricked makes it sound like we have a playful relationship. Chickens don't clap! A night of heterosexual intercourse.

[sniffs hand] Oh, God. I'm going to run this through again on "pots and pans." Chaw-chee, chaw-chee chaw-chee! Coo coo ca cha! Ah coodle doodle do Caw ca caw, caw ca caw. Well, if you want to play Eve, you got to get in line behind what, above five homos. Buster, what are you doing with mother's rape-horn? Taste the happy, Michael! Taste it! NO TOUCHING! The only thing more terrifying than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call… Hey campers! Steve Holt? The moron jock?

The only thing I found in the fridge was a dead dove in a bag. Gob: You didn't eat that, did you? Everybody dance NOW. This was a big get for God. Maybe it was the other George Michael. You know, the singer-songwriter. I believe you will find the dessert to be both engrossing and high-grossing! So we don't get dessert?

I think that's one of Mom's little fibs, you know, like I'll sacrifice anything for my children. He… she… what's the difference? Oh hear, hear. In the dark, it all looks the same. Early. I hear the jury's still out on science. No! These are just strippers! Look how hot they are! Wine only turns to alcohol if you let it sit.

If this were a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break. But it wasn't. I think the only time you cooked for us was the morning Rosa's mom died. You gave us cereal in an ashtray. I didn't mean who… I meant… her? Family Love Michael. No, Pop-pop does not get a treat, I just brought you a [bleep]ing pizza. What a fun, sexy time for you. Make love in your *own* hand, Mother! After all, why should you go to jail for a crime somebody else noticed?

What, so the guy we are meeting with can't even grow his own hair? COME ON! Mr. Zuckerkorn, you've been warned about touching. You said spanking. Actually, that was a box of Oscar's legally obtained medical marijuana. Primo bud. Real sticky weed. Sister's my new mother, Mother. And is it just me or is she looking hotter? She's not 'that Mexican', Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something. And here you are coming out of your mother's third base! Way to plant, Ann! I know she's a brownish area! With points! And I love her!

Michael, look, this has got to stop. I mean, flattered? Yes. Interested? Not tonight. Well, I hope you also carry a spare bowl of candy beans. No, I was ashamed to be SEEN with you. I like being with you. That's so you can videotape it when they put you in a naked pyramid and point to your Charlie Browns. And the soup of the day is bread. Chicken fingers… with spicy club sauce. Oh…yeah…the guy in the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for a guy who doesn't make that in three months. Come on!